I have not been around but I think of you all very fondly. Infact I was taking a nice walk today and I considered what I would do if a BEAR attacked me. Well I would yell at it. I would give that bear such a yell it would be filled with hot shame. Then it would probably maim or eat me. Then I would blog about it. And that is when I thoght of you all. I considered making a top ten list for the holidays but ever since Dave letterman dirtied up the top ten list venue for me, and I have no interns to fuck…well I am going to make a top 9 list.
These are the top 9 things I adore about the holidays
9) My son asked for a lawn tractor for christmas. he is nine
8) my daughter asked for an Iphone. I have a disposable go phone.
7) Ford motor company is never suprised that there is no December payment from me
6) For some reason I still think 500 is enough for all my holiday shopping/raping
5) my sister thinks I am getting up at 2am on black friday to make the most of our 50 dollar combined budget. We are nt big on financial planning
4) all my friends are getting little debbie christmas tree cakes as their present
3) I am having a family pic taken with my ex-inlaws. future post will follow in regard to this
2) my kids still believe in santa which puts more pressure on me to be sneaky. which i am not
1) and the number on thing I adore about the holidays is……the giant fight/meltdown tht will occur during the dinner.
No one I know, or deal with in life is rich. We are all struggling in some way. Even with gas at its lowest in years the financial strain seems to be sucking the fun out of life.
Driving to work the other day, smoking my 3.50 pack of smokes and preparing to get my 3.08 bagel soda combo for breakfast ….they had this guy on the news blabbing some shit about if you give up starbucks forever you can actually make your retirement.
What he meant was…pick something you buy every day, something you dont need but that you buy out of wanting.
take that price multiply it times number of days per month and then times 12 months. this is the amount you could contribule to an investment. for me if i gave up the soda, the smokes and the bagel I could EASILY have 2000 extra dollars a year.
But you have to be carful that you dont replace your given up expendature with another one. If I replace soda with water thats good…if i replace it with something like juice then it isnt a true savings.
Ill give up the bagel and replace it with cheerios or fuit bars which is still an overall savings because the fruit bars are 2.50 a pack for 8 bars…so i sill make out good.
So here I am making another top 10 list to encourage my friends to enrich their lives…literaly.
Here are the top ten things you can remove from your life that will impact your financial situation
10) smoking…just stop doing it
9) drinking..if you have to drink buy your own and dont go out to do it. If you have to go out, limit it to once per month and put a dollar amoun on what you can spend and still make out in the green
8) cancel your long distance…we all have cell phones so use them….your paying for the fucking minutes anyway
7) stop buying packaged drinks, juice, soda, gatorade…if you eat well you dont need these things to live healthy…
6) keep your heat low…if you arent at home no sense in keep the house at 70 degrees
5) dont get take out…make your own healthy meal
4) buy meat and produce in bulk…some places offer really great deals, take advantage of them
3) always pack your lunch for work. that is something I am totally into…i refuse to pay for something that sucks when can have leftovers that i made that taste great.
2) stop using your debit card and use only the alloted cash you want for your weekly self made allowance. once you stop abusing that plastic your checking account will have a fuller belly
1) Drive less, and when you do drive keep it under 60mph…you will be shocked at the difference. If i dont do my errands on my way home from work, i do not do them at all…ill wait till i leave the house again the next day.
I hope this helps and I hope it inspires you all to take the spanky challange because I am…I want to see if i can make more out of my salary and enrich my life.
good luck and keep me posted
I want to travel this summer I want to do these things……. its really important to me. When we were young, we were mover and shakers and for lack of a better word we were stupid…and stupid is good in your twenties…even better in your thirties…I want you to come out and be stupid with me one more time. I want to ask you one more time to pull a U-turn in four lanes of traffic. I have this overwhelming sense of urgency that im 32 iand i havent been anywhere. I want to be the girl with the old crusty photo album to show my grandkids and say look where i drug your mom and dad when they were little.
it may just be that I need to do these things alone. and that is scarey for me. I thought if we could dedicate two weekends to each other this summer we could go visit two places in the USA that we both have always wanted to go and it would be as special of a memory as the time we went to pittsburg to see rem…we had no money no real food but we had a fucking blast and that is what i am talking about. we are grown ups with kids….we should have done these things years ago and why we didnt ill never know, this is meant to inspire you, to make you think beyond writing resumes or teaching someone a half twist. We will not be young like this forever. I am quitting smoking this week and I have dedicated myself to put whatever money i squandered on smokes to and “adventure fund”
We need this, and moreover we deserve this. We can still get by on little or no food, we can handle sleeping anywhere like a car….
i am all fired up and i really think that if i dont do these things, especially with you, I will not dot it at all and ill regret it forever…
think about it. tell me where you want to go. and then we shall plan.
Listen, I an the queen of procrastination. I can put off a pee pee exam for years. Six to be exact. Why did I have a change of heart? Oh my company, under the guise of health, bribed us to be healthy. And since I waited till the last minute, my options were few. And so I signed up for a flu shot and a pee pee exam.
Then I rescheduled it eight times. WhY, well I didnt wannna go. Then i got my period, then I just suspected that maybe my company would not realize that I didnt actually go to the appointment. Then, felt like that was bad Juju and rescheduled for the last time and just decided to go.
So on the eve of my appointment i get scared. What if im not shaved right? What if they stick their finger in my heinee and i fart? What if something is wrong with my pee pee? Well, i wasnt sure what to do.
So I got up the next day and get a toasty shower, and did some last minute shaving, and in my haste cut myself. So now i am trying to blow dry my poor bleeding pee pee. and now I am panick stricken. I am not even sure what I cut…wasnt actuall peepee but it was near it, like on the underwear line.
So I get my shit together, and go. And then i get in the room.
they tell me to strip but that i can leave my socks on.
then i put this size four gown on my size 16 body with the opening in the front as they specified, and i sit on the table and wait. and i wait. and now im nervous and im feeling ashamed that i look so ridiculous in this gown,and am i still bleeding, and now my crotch and ass are sweating. because i am filled with panic of the worst sort. the knowledge that someone is going to all up in my bizz in the matter of minutes.
then she shows up, and for the record i was a bitch to her, because i had to wait and then because i went to all the trouble of having a fresh crotch all for nothing.
So i relay this to sissy and she tells me that she bypasses allthese problems by sitting on the table like a horse all and i beleive that she suspends herslef off the table with her handsa to give optimum air flow.
So she rams the car jack in my vajayjay and i was like “ow’ and she says “youll feel some pressure” and i say, oh no,it hurts. And she laughs. And the humilitation continuies.
She examines my boobs asks fourteen times if i do self exams and i say well since i can tie my boobs in a knot i think ill notice a lump. she does not laugh and she keeps referring to me as “girl” like “ok girl lets get those breasts examined’ And I hate her for this. I figure for this kind of uncomfortable i should go see a man gyno and get molsted while im there too…
so that was that. ill go again in 6 years. and i will have similar tale to tell.
I have PMS which means everything is magnified for me. ANd almost nothing is funny. It makes for about 12 really bad weeks a year.
It is my opinion that nothing bad should happen in the week of christmas. And if it does, I really dont want to hear about it. And if i do hear about it I really hope it has nothing to do with a child. My hope was not fulfilled this year.
People I do not know lost their only child the day after christmas. I dont know all the details, it was a second hand story. I got the news when I was shopping with my children (they had christmas money burning in their pockets)
The call came from Sissy who was audibly upset. And in one short minute everything in time stood still as I head with horror, the worst possible news on the worst possible day that someone had to relay, and my cart stopped and I felt, more than anything the sorrow fill my eyes. I must have walked by 30 peopl with my cart, tears streaming down my face and it strikes me funny now that no one stopped to see if I was alright.
Anyhow. my kids asked. and I told them. and then i had to scream at a target employee because my emotions were displaced. And then we left. And I remained in shock for people I did not know. But the problem is, I have known shitty news first hand. And I am sure I will again. And I really want it to stop. I want people to pass when they are old and tired. I want children to be safe. I want to stop worrying as a parent every time I see a news report. I never ever ever want to be the parent that has to bury their child for whatever reason. It would ruin me.
So usually you hear of random acts of kindness this time of year. I would like to hear more of that. I have been the beneficiary of some of theose kind acts. I try to pay if forward when i can.
When I hear of the horror and tragedy of life it makes me weary beyond my years. I want this to be a joyful new year. I had a fantastic holiday, but in my mind I will only see the parents that have to pack up christmas toys that a baby never got to play with.
I cant really say much more on this because I will just start crying again. I have my pee pee exam tomorrow and if my luck stays as it it I am certian it will result in a hilarious post.
Did you see mean girls? This is worse. The information divulged in the post is top fucking secret. I could die, or at the very least get sat upon for telling it. Bu I will…for my fans I will do this.
This is a list of people I work with. This is what we call them. This is why we call them these names. Yes, I am aware of my impending trip to hell.
Puffy Stink Hole**
She gets this name because her face is puffy and pink and she makes terrible sinky poops with no shame at all. All the time, just pooping. Which makes up think this is why her face is always pink and puffy.
Where to start. Nice lady, roughly 400 pounds poured into screaming strech pants 5 sizes to small. with crocs and no socks. She has a skin condition similar to a snake shedding it skin. She claims it makes her smell. I say her two foot long ass crack never been washed might be the cause of the odor. She has giant hot cake shaped boobs that have never seen a bra. And the biggist piece of evidence I have against her is that she does not wipe. Maybe she cant reach. maybe the maisture helps the skin problem. I know this forfact. I bore witness to the “no wipe”
Also, nice girl. likes perms and highlights. is about 4 feet two hundred pounds. wears ponchos. for reasons never made clear, has a hair cut that looks alot like a roosters head. kind of a mohawk/mullet if you will.
Seems to have decaying flesh in her mouth. all her teeth look like one tooth fused. The smell is not good. if wet rot and flake o joined forces they would be a mighty threat. they might even beat terrorism
She is a a know it some, bt she believes she knows it all.
new jen will have to talk on this later
She is scarey and abrubt. Unless I can do a in person impersonation of her, there is really no use in explaining her behavior other than to say she is unpredictible, and one day Jen called her a “fun sucker” which has remained a highlight for me. They moved our seats soon after
another boss…both eyes going in different directions. And her teeth are stacked like stairs. She is difficult to look at. I hide from her alot.
Similar eye problems. She likes to spy on people too. She is generally considered wierd and I avoid her. She gets perms too.
She is most hated. And I have never seen fresh washed hair get a grease slick on it the way hers does. I often dream of punching her in the throat.
This is a case of tropic thunder. Big girl gone bad. She is pretty much 4 x4 and looks like a cannon ball. One day she wore this red dress with fringe, looked like the cool ade dude, so now when I see her I do a silent “ohhh yeahhh”
He is 55 and looks like the dood from “candy man” and the green mile. he frightens me.
Self explanatory..she is wee tiny
this has to do with shape…picture the candy and this is who that girl measures up. but she isnt sweet. she also has crunchy hair
Lots of leggins and sweater dresses. Wild hair too. Good friends with cannon ball.
this chick is like seven feet tall. If im next to her I hit her tummy area.
Captian caveman teeth**
her teeth are triangular and huge.and yellow. and she never washes her hands in the restroom. the expoert calls her stink finger
I cant say much about this except that Jen and I often discuss how horrible it must be to strangle your vagina every day the way she does. she must have a callus or something…its like a 3 inch toe.
i cant saymuch here. Just wierd wierd pretty girl. but wierd. always keyed up.
too much tanning bed
all grown up. huge. its a hard knock life…
Seriously…no joke…looks just like one.
She missed her calling at being a truck driver dispatcher…She is loud and raspy all the day long. right at the back of my head.
Sir Lance Alot**
Lots of silky flowy shirts. bad rotton teeth. Incredibly stupid
Dog Weiner Whisperer**
He is loud. He talks about inappropriate stuff, like weiner gods dragging their erect junk on the carpet.
jen also called him two toned tony and for several months i beleived his name was tony. it isnt.
see the show, then youll know. Jen will explain
I knew him before in his days of hawian shirts. he takes 7 foot strides with a limp. Jen said its like being chased by a one legged pirate in a hurry.
Another big girl. she cries alot. and loosley resembles a tank
That is the list. I hope Jen hops on here to clarify some of this.
I hope you enjoy. I enjoy it everyday.
Yeas, you guessed it, a year end wrap up from the spankster herself. Whoot Whoot
Wait…Hold on…no one is here, was that a godamm tumbleweed? Did NO ONE wait for ME? What happened to snoopy come chome? The return of the king? The final countdown?
Well, alright then…lets cover some things first….
1. Facebook. You know what I say to this? Facebook Schmacebook…that what. lah-loosers
2. To those of little faith…I ban you to enternal anal itching. To those of you who stayed and possibly died waiting for me…well good job, ill be sending pez candy to you via mail.
3. I have much to report and not enough attention span to report it in….so ill do it in the form of , yes you know it, a top ten list. and without further ado…lets jam out with our clam out! and matt you can rock out wich your cock out kiddo.
1 a bat, yes, another fucking bat had the nerve to paper airplane dive on me. And in a fury of bedding and rackets I beat it to death. I figure it was how villages felt after stoning a suspected witch back in the ole days.
2 someone keeps pooping on the toilet seat, floor and sometimes wall at work. it is a mystery and my pall new jen and I are working the evidence. hard.
3 my new boss, the captian (aka catian grouchy pants, aka fun sucker, aka sharon) has got the gingi, yeah the gingivitis. she is going to loose her teeth and that wasnt shameful enough…she tells everyone about it. she is dead to me now. gingi.
4 Rita, aka 4 wheeler heart transplant accident, aka rita bobby, came to work with me and then spread rumers about my job loss then quit. nothing come of the rumers. I with her a firey fate though.
5 everyone i work with has a nickname, i will get tthat to you on a later date.
6 i hate my sons teacher. she is what i call a super ass. I will not go further into that.
7 my mother, if it is even possible is crazier than before, this is usually one part irritation and two parts entertainment and one part pity for me
8 i sprained my ankle giving wagon rides to the needy folks at the bar last week.
9 im thinking of having Asstric bypass so to bypass my ass.
10 have to get a pee pee exam. going to cancel the appt 10 more times before I actually show up…you have to got to have those people hanging by a thread ya know…
thats all for now, my kids are slam dancing downstairs to funky town and i dont wanna miss the beat..cha know?