Spanky Strikes Back

Sometimes, or most times as it goes with me, I think of clever stories or funny things or really meaningful words of wisdom. This usually occurs when…

1) I am in bed and too lazy to fire up the computer
2) I am driving and smoking and just cant bring myself to splurge on that senior citizen device that is a hand held voice recorder remembering thingie
3) I have been dipping into the sauce

Back in the day when I worked for the evil empire I had all the time in the world to make fun of my miserable exsistance. Now, I am not so miserable and I dont have the acess at work to speak of the humerous events that go on, and beleive me, they do go on. I dont even talk about work anymore. There are people that I work with that are truely miserable and talk the opressive talk and I always smile and tell them “oh you dont know…you just dont know how bad it can be at a job”

Anyway, enough about that. And I suppose, enough about me. This device helped me through a terrible terrible time in my life and I dont know how I would have made it without it.

I still think about my acadamy acceptance speech. I still wonder where Gary is. I found heather and then I forgot where she went and now I cant find her.

Sissy is too busy for me
most everyone site makes my computer pissed.

Good times go really fast and I am having some right now. Trying and suceeding to some extent to appreciate the positive in my life. God bless dr phil.

Sooooooooooo yeah, i am still here..and i am still not queer. But I am considering the option.

This is what is new with the news.

My piece of shit car broke and cost me my tax rebate check

My piece of shit ex-husband inherited some money, thus no job and managed to procreate yet another spawn that he will most likely never support.

My job is a blast thanks to idiots that share my laughs over things like bad teeth, stetch pants and stinkey asses.

I had to quit smoking for 2 weeks with nearly had me on suiside watch. Luckily that all got cleared up when I got piece of crap car back.

Got a letter yesterday from the employeer who fired me telling me they over paid my by 400 and they are wanting it back. Naturally I stroked out. And then I got pissed. And then after that Idecided that life is grand and I will pay them back 5 a month untill the debt is taken care of.

Nothing of any great humor has happened, well it has but I m too lazy to re-create the story. I am glad to know Heather is doing well, I love her digs. Saw cappy not too long ago and that was awesome too.

Due to some family issues and financial contstraints, we will not be taking our annual family stone harbor vacation.

When I lost my job, I suffered a series of set-backs. I took some of them in stride. Some of them, not so gracefully. A month ago I really beleived that this years vacation was going to be my reward for coming thru the rough patch. I was wrong. My sister planned a trip to disney, fixed her car and is all tapped out. I myself am tapped out after the car, the sophie broken ankle and the Max surgery. Oh, and all the bills i made right after not paying for 6 months.

So that news just broke me into little pieces. it broke my kids too. but through all of this one thing i can take away is my resolve to make next year the year they remember. the trip of all trips. now i am in a lighting storm and have to stop typing, for fucks sake can i get a break?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yes….not cancelled yet. The Spanky show was saved at the last moment by network execs…

So to bring everyone up to speed……well, everyone that still looks for signs of life that is…

I finially got myself some books on CD for work. I also got some friends. Very funny ones too.
I assume Heather has left the country. I have no idea how to go about finding her but I bet one of you does.

Gary must be thigh high in parenthood right now.

I am just thigh high in life. It looks like I may have broken even. A small victory. I have struggled really horribly for the last ump-teen months and it has been as awful to watch in real life as it has been for you to read. believe me.

I knew it would be a long stuggle to recovery, but I always try to rush shit. I have made up with the people in my life that were not speaking to me due to me being a horses ass and all and that is a good feeling.

It is an odd odd feeling when there is just no more crisis, drama, turmoil left. Its over. And not by my own hands beleive me. Some other force in the universe has really had mercy on me. Without going into specifics I am horrible at money. fucking terrible. I am not proud of this fact and the problem is intensified byt the fact I simply dont make alot of money either. bad bad combo right there. So about a month ago when the creditors called all fucking day and night, I just kinda looked around and said fuck it. started answering the calls and facing the music. Most companies were pretty cool. Some were not. But they stopped calling. arrangments were made and byt the end of next month it will be like I never lost my job.

Some other events have happened that helped tremdously. My friends and family have abeen a huge support. Ill even have a little nest egg left after the govt so kindly stimulates my asshole.

I just wanted to say that I am grateful for my life for the first time in a really really long time. I am not scared, angry or bitter. I have learned alot. For a long time money was a driving force in my life, and to some extent it is for all of us. spending it made me happy.

now instead of happy, it just is what it is…a means to live by. I dotn expect Ill ever be well off. But in the same breath I think I am pretty sharp so I have that going for me and we cant be all things to all people. Especially to ourselves. My kids are happy. I am happy.

I dont know when the plug will get pulled but I wish you all well.

On a side note stink face rita from old job is now at new job so natch i spread all kinds of rumors about her. I never said I was perfect and she should have never lied and said she needed a heart transplant because her kid ran over her with his four wheeler. but thats another story for another time.

be good, play hard and never let em see you crying.

and mic, it has been my greatest honor to have you offend people here at my blog

Well…seems the lines arent cut yet…so ill make the best of my last days here on blog earth. Apparently three people still read so you know…I appreciate…

Things are well with me, I am in a place of acceptance that has alot to do with my ex having a warrant out for his arrest for not paying support. that idea fills me with glee. my bills are under controll for the first time in 6 months. the job is going well. my family is good. and god all fucking mighty spring is FINIALLY here. every year i am certian I am not going to make it. every year I curl up in a angry ball of winter hatred. the truth is, i would not appreciate spring and summer nearly as much if i did not have to endure the winter. and such is my life. the good times are so much richer for all of us because of what we go through to get there. This is not been a good year for me, but my struggles and trials did not go unrewarded. I am here. I have food and everything is ok.

having said that, I want to mention a few things that piss me off.
there are people, science people that are wasting their sciency talents producung porducts that we either do not need, as the general public or simply do not even work.

male enchancement products. first of all I am not even sure what these fucking pills do but the advertisements creep me the fuck out. what is up with that bob guy? why is he smiling like jack from the shining? is his dick so hard he cant fucking stop with that creepy grin? are there people watching that add that say “hey, i want to look like thatt guy”

well i dont. and if you are going to have an add like that on tv i want to know just what the fuck you are selling. is it a pill? a cream? a patch? i demand answers. will you look like you were in the “blakc hole sun” video if you take this shit, because erection or not no one will fuck you with a fack like that.

or maybe its not an erection…does it make pee pee’s bigger?

and all these diet pills. puhhhhhleeeseee. just stop eating. as much. and move around a little. results will follow.

and that mother fucker with the amazing putty that can pull a tractor trailor…..yeah well it woudnt even hold my fire place screen in place.

wanna make something usefuel? how about making me an underwire bra that the fucking underwires dont snap and put my boob in a vise grip…yeahhow bout that?

or maybe you could make a cure for cancer instead of a cure for the male ego? and futher more i just read an article about vaginal prolapse…WHAT THE HELL? MY VAGINA CAN FALL OUT? why is no one making a cream for that…because i gotta tell ya…id fucking buy it.

bottom line is this….i am a consumer. make me things i want. here is my list

1) anti prolapse cream, for anus or vagina
2) period bee gone pill that does not involve mood swings or weight gain
3) pocket flame thrower
4) dry wall and putty that is already your chosen wall color. i hate wall painting
5) portable tramp o lene. because hey you never know when you feel liek jumping
6) another source of energy. i think we shoudl enslave little animals
7) a pen that has a chain attached to your purse
shovel with wheels. i am lazy as hell
9) self cleaning car
10) a knife that will not go dull on me.

enjoy spring but not before you take your allegra, clarittin, male enhancement, weight loss, proactivve, sylvin learning drugs.

I have only threatened this once, and then I continued blogging.

I have struggled for many many years over many many stupid things. And for what? Nothing. All the worry, the inner turmoil, the strategic planning have left me in the exact spot. I should have just sat around on welfare and smoked weed. I would have been happier.

But enough about me being a moron. This will be the last post. There won’t be another. My mom is cutting the phine line and informs me that she will also be disconnecting the internet. Seeings how I cannot seem to feed my family or pay my bills I will not be paying for the phone bill or the internet charge. So that’s it. all over.

I would have liked to make this last one a fucking good one, but lets face it…i am all done. I had a fleeting idea that perhaps id do a ripped from the headlines…well let me explain

I was in the restroom at work and naturally someone was pooping, yeah, i know always about poop with me. And the noises she was making sounded a whole lot like labot pains. So this made me chuckle for several reasons….

First remember the streak of teenage pregnancies that ended with a newborn in a toilet, or other horrible ways? yes well I was dying laughing thinking about someon taking a shit and wrapping it gingerly in toilet paper, like a blankie, leaving a note that says, “please take care of my baby”

not funny to you? shit I was peeing my self laughing over that one…i could almost hear the whispers around the department…”betty…yeah i think it was bettys poop babay…she looked a little full around the middle”

So thats it…youll now have to find more pathetic things to read about than me. it will be tough to beat my level of despair…but try, try if you will…

im sure I will make appearances here and again…just not every day and not every week. In seven days this site will no longer be viewable.

Id like, for you all to stroke my ego one more time and tell me your favorite post.

Mine, without a doubt was the origional poop story. and the subsequent comments.

Again, thank you all, I almost felt at times, like a star. or a cult leader..actually alot like a cult leader but thats another story….

the next time you see a newborn shit abandoned in the restroom, dont cal the police, call me, ill be wanting to get pictures and ill need to get in there quick to glue the goglie eyes on it before the fuzz shows up.

March 29 1976, approx 1pm, a rotund baby silently makes her way into the world. all 9 pounds of her. She is silent of course because she wasnt breathing. She was taken from the delivery room and her mother feared the worse. Ill never know what happened behind closed doors but after much investigetion and a tight squeeze in an incubator young spank was deemed “OK”

Setember 1978

the monumental life changing move to newport pa. I dont recall much of the early years except that i do no think I had a whole lot of suprvision, thus incidents like “the accidental kitten strangulation” occured. We also had a goat which knocked me over alot. And a sister that was mean as cat piss

1983

manages to fart sneeze out to dinner at the keystone inn. naturally every fucking body hears it and NO ONE ignores the incident. I didnt fart for 22 years after that. which then led to a serios reflux problem leter in life

Somewhere in 1987 or 86

spent 11th birthday in philhaven. not because she was a resident but because her jackassed parents though they could kill two birds with one stone by visiting their other daughter and honoring spank the best way they could. with psychopaths.

September 1989

spank becomes a woman. in science class. all over the god dammed place. thank god sissy see’s her and takes her to the nurse. humiliating. just humiliating.

1992

mother thinks suprise 16th birthday party is in order. i hate suprises. she alos thinks it funny to make me get into filthy clothes and wash the dog in the basement and have everyone suprise me that way. and to add insult to injury all my friends got me key chains but there was no car in the driveway for spank. parents still paying off phillhaven bill.

1994

spank graduates high school. it was a pivitol moment for her in the respect that she knew right then and there that things were going to change dramaticly and she wasnt ready for them to.

1994 went to hacc/ flunked out/

1995

went to rehab. wasnt much fun. especially the cavity search

1996

went to penn state. got drunk sliced myself up, evening ended badly in a mcdonalds parking lot. did not drink for 7 years. left pennstate for a new life at health america

1997

moved to middletown and there shall remain the two most glorious single girl years of my life. LOVED IT.

1999

met chris got pregnant. got married. ruined life

2000

left chris. moved home. REALLY ruined life. been defeated ever since.

2003

best birthday ever. with my friends. life was good. hadnt eaten myself silly yet and still had some hope of a real life.

2008

after having 4 jobs in 5 months financially ruined despite so much help from friends and family. the defeat is deafening. i give up. end game. im all out of tricks. im done.

I have failed almost everyone at some point in my life, but mostly I have failed myself.

This is probably my last post. I enjoyed this experience alot. I find now that I have nothing relevant to say and almost no time to say it.

Thank you

YOu know these people….they say “hey how are you?” you say “good, good, and you?” and then they tell you about the anal surgery they just had that has greatly improved their sex life. And you stand there in the grocery store with a polite “mmmmmmm good good”

I had a Gary Larson cartoon in mind for this post but I was unable to find it online. I beleive it to be called “conversation stoppers” and it is one of my favorites. And with that ill give you mine, or what I hope will be mine once i get to use them.

10) I think I have a tic on my vagina (note, there will be many vagina refrences here)
9) “yeah, its all pussy and kind of green”
I got the greatest deal on this meat, can you beleive the store was going to throw it away?
7) Oh we’re nudists, you didnt know?
6) I think I pulled a tapre worm out of my ass today
5) Even though the twins are 8, I can still lactate
4) I wrecked my car while I was masturbating
3) I had sex with my uncle once.
2) I had sex with steve anothony (inside joke with keyser and sissy)
1) I think I shaved one of my labia off last night.

Now, the intro to this was an actual true story, this apron fat lady (as in a apron of fat on her body) came in with her husband, Ira to the store i was working at, and she is walking funny. I ask, oh are you ok. “yeah she says, just had surgery the other day, still a little sore” I say oh, well i hope you feel better, “oh” she says ” i will be soon, my asshole will be tighter than a newborns soon and I know Ira cant read but he can fuck like a couger” long silence. “oh well good then, how much american cheese do you need today?”
Yeah well they messed up the surgery the first time, made my hole too small and then i coulnt shit so they had to open me up again and now im as good as new…i cant wait.

I passed out on the floor.

please feel free to share yours….or just continue talking about paula

I’d like to say this is a news letter, you know, what ive been doing, what’s new…things like that…but lets face it. THis blog barely has a pulse. I have been sucking major donkey kart. ya know?

First I banished all my friends, from the old job. Then I start the new job, well, i mean the newest job…ive had 4 jobs in 5 months….pretty impressive. So naturally my supervisor is an ass and has some kind of fucking horizontal front teeth. so bad i cant even call them buck teeth. I work later hours than im used to, im up to a pack a day again, and well, im not good at patience so this 4 week training for a job that i did for 5 years has me wanting to shove a stapler up my asshole. course i dont have a stapler. or internet. or email. i work in govt contract prision. ill be here for a year till i can drift over to commercial insurance where apparently i can work from home and surf the internet to my hearts desire.

so that is all thats new, and in an attempt to save what little credibility this joint has ill tell the ever famous hinee spit game story.

back in the day my kids bathed together, and they had fun and it was more efficient for me. course as they got older i tended to not pay near the attention to them or their antics. once, while i was examining my unibrow in the bathroom mirror, i heard a little conversation going on between them in the tub.

“ok max, do it like this”

(loud splasing noise)

“no no no you have to spread my hinee cheeks!!

(another loud spitting noise followed by much hysterical laughter)

me then taking two giant steps to investigate the situation.

this is what i see.

sophie laying flat on her belly , max perched over her spreading cheeks with a mouth full of water. i calmly ask just what the fuck is going on…

“we are playing the hinee spit game mommy”

they dont bathe together anymore.

You know what low country boil is? its some sort of seafood crap in a pot with old bay or parrot bay and corn and taters…well anyway this is what this post is going to be a pot of crap.

Starting with that movie, “no country for old men” is that even what its called? Im not sure…but everytime i hear it i think of paula deans low country boil. for old men. but anyway…during the academy awards john stewart made a comment about that “Haviar what ever the fuck his name is ” making a statement with the psycho killer with a dorothy hammil haircut. which made me laugh. alot. now, because Julie has done a post on this dorothy fellow, i know what a smokin hot dude he is minus the bad bad hair do.

So last night I had a dream that I was in that fucking movie, which i might add i have not even seen and will probably never see….and anyway i was helping him in his killer ways. and he was helping me get a new bra. mostly by grabbing my boobies. and saying “noe zat one does not feet, thy anoder”

and while this sounds stupid and disturbing (ok it is) i really enjoyed my bad assed out law self. I think the boobie thing was because i was watching a marathon of the girls next door. and the killing thing is um because i secretly wish to be a serial killer? i dont know…there is something sexy about being bad. Ive always drifted on the edge of the dark side of things

anyway we had mad powerful boobie fondling, and i might add my boobs in this dream were BAD ASSED. and then i think we shot some people, and yes, he had the dorothy hammil haircut.

that was the dream. i really needed to get that out.

and where is gary?

other movie titles

No country for hair club for men

No country for fat hens

Hoe country for randy men

There will be Flood

Hair brings on blood

not much rhymes with blood